We Won't Run

My world is so small sometimes, the confines of my thoughts are quite limiting. Music sets my thinking free a little, so does art and photography. I've been looking at some incredible photos taken by a friend of a friend on Facebook as they travelled through France and Spain. I don't know how or why, but seeing these things rejuvenates me. There is a world out there, completely beautiful and completely removed from where I am. If I chose, I could travel. If I chose and changed a lot of things, I could go to France in the near future. It's enough to make me smile. I know it's unlikely with all that I've set upon doing and the expense involved. But I wonder at the way I limit myself... could I travel? Be an au pair or something like that? What would that do to me, for me?

I'm a bird in a cage. But isn't it that the world is a prison...? *laughs* Such bitterness. Maybe Hamlet would be appropriate reading to follow up my Robin Hobb. :)

I want to build a future for myself but I keep getting pulled back by the fact that God needs to do the building. I know it's freedom to know Christ, but it doesn't seem that way sometimes. Surrendering yourself to receive God's will instead of your own? That's freedom? I know we often make bad choices and God knows best, but come on? I hate when people make Christianity into some fluffy, feel-good thing. It's not that to me. But because I think it's about discipline and obedience, I am shipwrecked when things pull me away from that - and often do. What's a girl to do? I recently learnt about the trick of love and it's importance. It filled a void in my understanding of God that helped other things make sense, and more bearable/do-able. I also learnt about grace recently, but I'm still not 100% sure on that one. I feel my failures more than I think is right/helpful or maybe it's just a product of my intense personality type rather than due to a lack of knowledge/understanding of God?


Sigh.


I am trying but every day is new and difficult. Well, not every day because some days are golden... but what do you do when the days start joining together and becoming weeks? For a while there I was under pressure but not broken and I think help arrived a little too late. Now things are okay again but I'm trying to pull the pieces back together still (work-wise). I want my sure foundation back. Oh wait, I never really had one... so I want one of those. I'm afraid that I won't get it because the God that I know won't be fooled by my half-hearted attempts and flopping failures. I don't know how to give God what he wants/deserves consistently... or maybe more bluntly, I don't want to. How do I give all of myself? God must know that we're broken, sinful people? How do we sinful dudes ever walk in his footsteps? I was explained that he himself helps us.... so I guess maybe my next step is to be asking for help everyday? Sigh. I'm sure it will help... I'm so overrun. I can't see/think clearly these days.



Sarah Blasko - We Won't Run




I'm tired of guilt, I'm tired of being sorry
Haven't we suffered enough?

We won't run, we can fight
All that keeps us up at night
There is far to go now,
let's not waste a minute more in denial.

Oh, that our eyes will be opened...



Love,

Cathrine