Twenty-three, working full time in child care for KU, living in Sydney's North West and feeling right at home.
Born in November; Raised on her dad's record player and a CD player that she won at 11 through a [Retravision] colouring in competition. Loves: cellos, electric guitars, and pianos. Admires: Chopin, Paul Dempsey, Camille, Ella Fitzgerald, Regina Spektor, Edith Piaf, The Lucksmiths, Led Zeppelin, and Woody Herman.
I sing all the time. Music is my language... I'm always looking to expand my vocabulary. This blog is an outlet for my musical chatter.
So I had a shocking day at work and I remembered on the bus home that I had my iPod with me. Tom gave me a random selection of his music and I managed to be lucky enough to get this Antony track. I can't really do this song justice. Listen to it in a quiet moment and close your eyes to appreciate it more fully...
Antony and the Johnsons - Dust and Water
Love the coal Love the way you're waiting I love your kind patience Dust and water, water and dust Water and dust
Did you think I'd leave you here Forever? Dust and water, water and dust Water and dust
How long can dust wait? Ask the moon But ask him soon Ask him soon
Dust and water, water and dust Water and dust...
As I was leaving and collecting my hugs goodbye from the kids. One of the girls told me to dream of roses. A random thing to say, I thought. I like to tell myself that my kids are appreciators of beauty, poetry, art... :P I'll read into anything I so choose. I thought it was a pretty thing to say....
I've been listening to Simon and Garfunkel all morning and I all but swooned when America came on. Their music fills me with nostalgia. Not in this song, but in others, they outrightly sing about poetry and books and trying to pin meaning down or capture meaning where it may not exist. Words to justify, words to almost claw beauty out of emptiness. My heart/soul yearns towards those things... words, beautiful ones... ones filled with the same ache that my heart feels... it wakes up a part inside myself to hear my own longings voiced out loud.
Simon and Garfunkel - America
I'm looking forward to the train ride into the city, so I can read more of Hamlet on the train. Shakespeare is a nice balm to the soul when I need some literary inspiration/rejuvenation.
I was out last night with a friend who likes listening to jazz and we listened to some in the car for a bit. It reminded me that when I do listen to jazz, I really like it. But these days it's only until I put it on do I remember so I haven't been listening to much jazz. So here is Coltrane. I've posted this before but I just think it's magic.
Coltrane - Wise One
While I was in a semi-dream state this morning (Wednesday sleep-in bliss) I mentally blogged about things I would learn from last night. I can't really remember what I said now though. Things the list may have included:
1. Think before I speak 2. Be less defensive/emotionally invested in conversation topics 3. What may be funny to you, may only be funny to you. :P
Well, I only really had the first two things from the dream and the third is an after thought, post-slumber. But I don't see the benefit in getting upset if I can learn from mistakes. It'll be good to try at least, I'm a massive fan of trying now. I'm not going to wait until I'm an expert and perfect at everything before I attempt it as I previously have approached life.
But I have a room to tidy, a pirate flag to buy (I told my shadow that the pirates were coming on Thursday! lol), a Shakespeare lecture to attend with my beau, and dinner to have with friends. It's going to be a good day.
I was waiting for the bus after work and this song came on my iPod. I felt wrapped up in a world that was larger than myself - expansive, uplifting, warm. I had a nice day at work today. I keep feeling blessed to be working with the children I have in my room. I find it surprisingly easy to be patient as well as firm when I need to be. I loved it when one of my kids later perked up in the afternoon after being really sad and called out to me from where I was in the sandpit, to show me that he was playing with the other kids and was happier. :) It made me glad I walked over and was encouraging but allowed him to join in with everyone else when he was ready. I'm glad he showed me that he was okay.
My shadow made wombat stew again. We planted alfalfa seeds. We painted paper doylies with eticol dye. We painted on huge pieces of paper on a table outside in the sun in the morning with fine brushes and flowers. I was bliss with my kids. :)
So I like this song. It's from Dark Was The Night. It fits a little with where I am.
Yo La Tengo - Gentle Hours
It's such a pleasure to touch your skin To touch your skin It's such a pleasure to touch your heart To touch your heart I can hardly wait
I couldn't bare it, to live for fear Undressing you You're in my heart all the time All the time I will wait till you arrive To make it to the grave And I couldn't have done Anything else
A gentle love A gentle heart A gentle love A gentle heart
You make me glad to be myself. You give me hope that I can become myself. You delight me when you know me and understand. I'm learning who you are and want to show you what I see.
I watched Disney movies over and over with my brother when I was a kid. My favourites were Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, Aladdin, and The Aristocats. But I related most to Belle. :) I love that she's stuck in books, reading all the time and I love that beauty is something that isn't based on appearances. I'm all for the diamond in the rough kind of thinking. Which leads me onto Aladdin. :D Tom was making me laugh with Aladdin tunes. The movie is funny. :)
Beauty and the Beast - Belle
Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special A most peculiar mad'moiselle It's a pity and a sin She doesn't quite fit in 'Cause she really is a funny girl A beauty but a funny girl She really is a funny girl That Belle
Aladdin - Prince Ali
Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat Tell you all about it when I got the time!
^_^ Had a funny bus driver on my way home. He had me laughing in less than the 10 mins it takes to get to the train station. It was cool.
My world is so small sometimes, the confines of my thoughts are quite limiting. Music sets my thinking free a little, so does art and photography. I've been looking at some incredible photos taken by a friend of a friend on Facebook as they travelled through France and Spain. I don't know how or why, but seeing these things rejuvenates me. There is a world out there, completely beautiful and completely removed from where I am. If I chose, I could travel. If I chose and changed a lot of things, I could go to France in the near future. It's enough to make me smile. I know it's unlikely with all that I've set upon doing and the expense involved. But I wonder at the way I limit myself... could I travel? Be an au pair or something like that? What would that do to me, for me?
I'm a bird in a cage. But isn't it that the world is a prison...? *laughs* Such bitterness. Maybe Hamlet would be appropriate reading to follow up my Robin Hobb. :)
I want to build a future for myself but I keep getting pulled back by the fact that God needs to do the building. I know it's freedom to know Christ, but it doesn't seem that way sometimes. Surrendering yourself to receive God's will instead of your own? That's freedom? I know we often make bad choices and God knows best, but come on? I hate when people make Christianity into some fluffy, feel-good thing. It's not that to me. But because I think it's about discipline and obedience, I am shipwrecked when things pull me away from that - and often do. What's a girl to do? I recently learnt about the trick of love and it's importance. It filled a void in my understanding of God that helped other things make sense, and more bearable/do-able. I also learnt about grace recently, but I'm still not 100% sure on that one. I feel my failures more than I think is right/helpful or maybe it's just a product of my intense personality type rather than due to a lack of knowledge/understanding of God?
Sigh.
I am trying but every day is new and difficult. Well, not every day because some days are golden... but what do you do when the days start joining together and becoming weeks? For a while there I was under pressure but not broken and I think help arrived a little too late. Now things are okay again but I'm trying to pull the pieces back together still (work-wise). I want my sure foundation back. Oh wait, I never really had one... so I want one of those. I'm afraid that I won't get it because the God that I know won't be fooled by my half-hearted attempts and flopping failures. I don't know how to give God what he wants/deserves consistently... or maybe more bluntly, I don't want to. How do I give all of myself? God must know that we're broken, sinful people? How do we sinful dudes ever walk in his footsteps? I was explained that he himself helps us.... so I guess maybe my next step is to be asking for help everyday? Sigh. I'm sure it will help... I'm so overrun. I can't see/think clearly these days.
Sarah Blasko - We Won't Run
I'm tired of guilt, I'm tired of being sorry Haven't we suffered enough?
We won't run, we can fight All that keeps us up at night There is far to go now, let's not waste a minute more in denial.
So I'm not sure what to say. Things have been less than awesome and I'm reluctant to immortalise that in music. Maybe I need to be more accepting of my down-feelings as well as my up-feelings. haha... I know both are as inevitable as day follows night. (oh wow, how ironic that this is the phrase that comes to mind since 'as day follows night' is the title of Sarah Blasko's new album, which I have been listening to so much of.) So here are the songs that are my friends when I'm blue:
Sia - Little Black Sandals
Angus and Julia Stone - Chocolates & Cigarettes
Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away But one of these days I'll grow old And I'll grow brave and I'll go One of these days
He will call Butterfly from the distance I without answering Stay hidden A little to tease him, A little as to not die. At the first meeting, And then a little troubled He will call, he will call "Little one, dear wife Blossom of orange" The names he called me at his last coming. All this will happen, I promise you this Hold back your fears - I with secure faith wait for him.
Do you see it? He is coming! I don't go down to meet him, not I. I stay upon the edge of the hill And I wait a long time but I do not grow weary of the long wait.
And leaving from the crowded city, A man, a little speck Climbing the hill. Who is it? Who is it? And as he arrives What will he say? What will he say?
One good day, we will see Arising a strand of smoke Over the far horizon on the sea And then the ship appears And then the ship is white It enters into the port, it rumbles its salute.
Sarah Blasko's new album (As Day Follows Night) is beautiful. The opening track "Down On Love" is haunting. It opens with a gentle piano and her tender voice singing 'lately you've been down on love, crying out to the man above / i believe in miracles, but a miracle you can't control'. It has a minor tone and reminds me a little of the Phantom of the Opera and the winter scenes and the sad music box. I wish I could show it to you, but you'll have to buy it. It's worth it. It's like a flurry of chill snow, blowing you along and into an ice palace with crystaline statues and delicate-looking furniture, staircases and window cills made also of ice. That's how I see it anyway.
The second track is this one:
Sarah Blasko - All I Want
No-one wants to be lonely But what am I to do? I'm just trying to be honest I don't want to hurt you too When I'll be there, I'll be there I know I sound confused
But all I want All I want All I want All I want All I want See, all I want All I want Is to one day come to know myself
The words are hard hitting and real. I love it as much as it cuts into me. Her voice reminds me of Emiliana Torrini's "Fisherman's Woman".
I'm torn in a hundred different directions. The world is full of things that are worthy of my attention and time and care. I'm not dividing myself up properly. Today I spent a few hours reading The Dragon Keeper, a new book by Robin Hobb. I adore her writing and I'm squeeing over hints and snatches of old characters in this new series. Brashen, Althea and they have a son! Paragon and Selden and Malta and Reyn. I want to absorb all that I can about each person and find out how their lives are faring.
I suppose it's silly... but that's how it is. In these new adventures and challenges, my own world around me is brightened and given new purpose and delight. I catch the excitement of travelling from them and wonder how I can fill my life with things that are from different countries and cultures around me. I wonder at how I spend my time and wonder at why I don't spend time learning/using my French more. Or why I don't paint more, or read more, or keep up with new art and old art and fill my world with beauty. I remember the Fool and his room in the tower at Buckkeep. Why should life be rushed and devoid of those things which are beautiful?
At most I can keep my room tidy... but where is the time for beauty? There is a new shop in Redfern, on Redfern St even, that I walked into this afternoon. It was incredible. So many beautiful antiques. Things made from wood, huge sea shells, metal buckets with soft flowers growing in them, and candles - tall ones and hidden ones inside glass sconces. The shelves went right up to the tall ceiling and the room was cool and dark but also warm and inviting. You looked around and everything delighted the eyes. Everything was also expensive, but we'll overlook that.
I'm tired... my delight is worn down. I delight in you, Tomothy, and in my books and in my work, which is hard at times but very rewarding. But I want to delight in life and all that life offers. I want to fill my life with wonderful things... I don't want to spend lots of money, and I know you don't need to. I just want to make a start. If I think about it, I'm sure I can come up with a number of inexpensive ways of decorating my room or filling my time and thoughts with beautiful things.
Is it silly? I used to dream like this a lot. My old place in Stanmore was a haven in a way for these kinds of dreams. I don't like having bare walls. Aren't I an artist? A poet? A lover of music and nature and colour? haha Can't I do better than what I'm currently doing?
I miss Fitz. I'd forgotten that Paragon was shaped after Fitz's face by Amber... ah Miss Amber. I remember the exact moment when I realised you were the Fool. Once I made the connection, and realised you were in the second series, just under a new name and persona... I think I died a little from joy.
What I really should be doing though is not neglecting my responsibilities to friends and family. I could definately do better there. But people are hard and I sometimes prefer books and art and impersonal things like trees and clouds. It's selfishness and rudeness but that's how it goes.
In a completely different vein, I was wandering around Kiwibox and read an article about a new game to be soon released. The Beatles: Rock Band. I want to get it! It looks like an incredible lot of fun. :D :D :D
The Beatles - Rock Band (game)
Anyway. This is just me grasping for things which I'm sure I'm losing touch with. It's always a constant battle. I remember in high school I swam so easily and confidently in the world of art and music and nature and colour. I filled my time with it because classes involved those things and my friends and I talked about those things daily and I had a blog then and I was always remodelling it and thinking about design and colour and taking photographs. Gah. Times are hard now because there is less time.
So I was listening to this song last night and I love it. But I didn't know it was a cover of a Bob Dylan song. Did you know that Tom? No wonder you like it too. :)
Antony and Bryce Dessner - I Was Young When I Left Home
So I had a good day at work today. Having 2 hours of programming in the morning might have had something to do with it. I got quite a bit done! Plus it's so so nice not having a back log of things to stick in kid's books. I love also sitting with them and sticking their artworks in their books and talking to them about things they've previously done. It's like I can get work done while playing - such an awesome combination. I almost had a lunch break today because of it. :D
Anyway... I'm in a good mood. So much so that I was singing at work (singing this song). My boss walked in on me and I was mildly embarrassed but I pretended I wasn't. :P I'm awesome.
The Beatles - Ticket To Ride
I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today, yeah. The girl that's driving me mad Is going away.
She's got a ticket to ride, She's got a ticket to ride, She's got a ticket to ride, But she don't care.
She said that living with me Was bringing her down yeah. She would never be free When I was around.
She's got a ticket to ride, She's got a ticket to ride, She's got a ticket to ride, But she don't care.
I don't know why she's ridin' so high, She ought to think twice, She ought to do right by me. Before she gets to saying goodbye, She ought to think twice, She ought to do right by me.
Last night I had a dream that shiny pieces of pink and white paper were falling on me as I lay dead on the ground. The white and pink paper represented purity and condemnation. It was not as intense as other dreams that I've had and I think it only means what it means, that I'm struggling with these these in the relationships around me. It was pretty though, quite cinematic. I'd seen the first half of the War of the Roses recently, and they had small pieces of gold paper fall throughout the whole play... it was an idea pinched from that.
I sometimes struggle to sing out loud. Sometimes because I forget the words or get them mixed up, other times because I'm shy. But sometimes, I'm brave and careless and sing and don't care who hears me, and I know the words and it's all okay. I think I can sing... at least, when I'm not feeling like a fool I can.
Oh Fool... Fool... I wonder, wonder so much if my new book contains a glimmer of you. Glimmer. It's such a good word for you. During my lunch break a couple of the people I work with were talking about books they'd read and enjoyed and I just couldn't speak. It's like revealing a precious secret during a conversation about football scores. :P I don't talk about books I read because my books are intimate friends/lovers at times... I guess I'm weird like that. Sometimes books are preferable to people though.
I feel all mixed up. This song is pretty about being mixed up.
Had an okay day at work. :) I didn't have a lot planned for the day but you know it was nice all the same. A couple of golden moments with a couple of my kids and I was able to write up those things as individual observations in their books because of the new programming format we're using. I like the new format's flexibility. :)
I called MSY about getting a computer and they said to email them. So depending on how soon they can put the computer I want together, I'll be able to pick it up maybe Wednesday or Saturday. :D I'm already transferring everything to my external hard drive. I thought it was only 80gigs from memory but it's actually 300gigs. Hawt.
I had this song in my head coming home...
Hunters and Collectors - Throw Your Arms Around Me
I will squeeze the life out of you You will make me laugh and make me cry We will never forget it You will make me call your name and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky
A late night so a late start. I feel oddly at peace with the shape today will take. Not going to run around, just going to do what I need to at home. I am finding peace in the things which worry me, God is becoming a firmer source of strength I think. I am delighted. Trusting in his goodness and provision gives such freedom.
It's a morning for Emiliana Torrini. I love her Fisherman's Woman album. It's so gentle and beautiful... lyrical... it reminds me of a ship sitting out on a calm day, gently bobbing up and down in the waves.
Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan - Saturday's Gone
I feel kind of hazy this morning. A lot less sick though, which is surprising and welcome. I have a lot of cleaning to do and laundry and I really would prefer to vegetate. Listen to music and sit and listen to music again.
Today will be good though. I have finished my reports (mostly, haha) and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. When I go into work tomorrow (hahaha, yeah, I really want to) I want to get all the other things done. Get ready for the new program, get my head around having those new children moving up, sort out thing for the week ahead. It feels more like tidy up rather than workworkwork. I love tidy up, where you can put everything away to their proper place and have everything fresh and clean. (epiphany!) I think I've been this way since I was at least 5 years old. :P I used to love cleaning my room as a kid and got a massive kick out of having a tidy room with everything in it's place. :P Wow. Insights into the depth of my crazy behaviour....
:)
Yay.
Cathrine
P.S. The Pastels are very pretty this morning. I like the violin in 'Leaving This Island'. :)
So I haven't blogged this song... it's one that is worthy. I've had such a full on night. I love love. I love it. I think it's fantastic. When you have it you're a king. When you give it, you're giving treasures. When you receive it, you are blessed. When you accept it, you accept that you're loveable. When you accept it, you are taking with it pieces of the other person's self - their vulnerable inner-most important self that is precious and (so often) locked up. Love breaks in. I had a conversation with my mum on the phone tonight and there was love despite all the stuff that hurt. Love, vulnerability, reality... I want to live there all the time. It's like living without holding back... it's trusting the other person with the stuff that makes up you really. Not just the details about your day, but the details about how you're really doing. Like today was great, but I'm not so great (though I'll be fine).
So you'll not know unless I let you in and let you know... but how do we get to that point in the conversation? How will I know that it's safe to push the conversation into those deep, heavy waters? Old friends can do it with ease and I love it. I prefer that kind of friendship over any other kind. If I can't pour out my heart to you and be that open, then I wonder at how long we will remain friends. All my friends tend to be that kind of people - wonderful, caring, open, loving, genuine. I'm lucky to have those that I do.
And I love our love and all that it's becoming.
Bon Iver - Skinny Love
Apparently, the name, Bon Iver, is a corruption of the French "bon hiver" (good winter). [ref]. I like that. The above photo is of Paris in Winter by a photographer I have followed for years on LJ. I like his work.
*laughs* So I'm totally into you and this song makes me laugh and think of you. <3
Sia and Beck - You're The One That I Want
My kids at work have taken to playing with numbers of late. Asking if infinity is bigger than a google and what about infinity plus 1 or plus infinity again? It blows my mind that 4 years olds are asking those questions and I love being able to try and expand their understanding of numbers by giving them perspectives on how large some of the numbers they're playing with are by using concepts of time and distance.
And stuff like "it just keeps on going...." It's not just a little idea. It's not something that you can say "oh, okay" to. It's a "woah" kind of moment... where you let your mind just keep going. What would happen if you didn't stop and just kept on going - infinity can't be bound by our planetary limitations. Infinity goes way beyond our understanding...
One of my boys is a sweetheart, a charmer. He's always saying things like "I love you more than you love me!" or "I love you more than infinity!" It's silly and I don't buy into it but you know it's his way of saying he thinks you're awesome. I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I just like the easy way in which kids 'love' and talk about love and express the big-ness of love in such sweeping terms. I try and restrain mine and not be over-the-top or silly... (for the most part) But what would life be like if it were safe to love so fully and freely? And not just romantic love, but all those other kinds? When did love become so scary, when did people become so careless in hurting each other that love became hurtful or dangerous?
So after things are slowing down about Michael Jackson, I'll make a blog post. There was so much hype that I think it was a little unreal... but now that a little time has passed, the true loss is starting to sink in. I wasn't ever a huge fan of his but there are a few songs that are undeniably great. This post isn't going to list them. I've just been trying to remember this one song. I did a singing class at Uni last year and the lecturer played us this song... I forget why. :P I just remember thinking it was really funky and fun. I dig the beat.
So this song has been one I've liked for a long time. Someone at work reminded me of it, because I got the artist who sings this mixed up with another. :P Oops.
So here you are, "kissing you" by Des'ree... in all it's romantic R+J glory.
Darjeeling tea is so satisfying. I try to distract myself with nice things, but I think the hurt keeps coming in - back door, sneaking in the side. When I'm like this, disjointed and sad and broken down, I imagine that's when the poetry inside me leaps to life. Who knows, it's been so long. I wrote pages and pages in my diary yesterday, thoughts, not prose. I thought the words died in me a long time ago though. Who can conjour them back again? Get enough stress and pain together though and maybe you'll be able to create enough emotion for some poetic catharsis. It's not worth it, but at least there's something to show for it.
I once painted and that does a little for me... I'm going for more simple forms of coping now - crying. Though I went out last night, despite massive protests from my emotions, and had a really nice night. Who can explain that one? I'll go for a run this morning too, despite protestation, and will enjoy the beauty of the bush around me totally - unhindered by my emotional state. I wish I could sit down though and not feel this way. Every spare second being consumed in tears.
I like this song; the violin is pretty.
The National - 90-Mile Water Wall
so how could your hair have the nerve to dance around like that, blowing and how could the air have the nerve to blow your hair around like that
It's all just here. Why am I so broken down in spirit? It makes me think of a psalm... (43)
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.
Put your hope in God. There really is no other sure foundation in this world... somehow God doesn't depend on man either, doesn't depend on us, has done it all. He even helps us to stand, so we can see him face to face one day. Why indeed so disturbed and downcast? I will put my hope in God... They say when you're at your lowest, your need of God becomes greater and your closeness with him grows. I guess that's what I have to look forward to in these months ahead. If nothing else comes from this, that will be the single redeeming factor in all that I'm going through.
Best go for my run and then get back and do some work on these reports. Kat showed me a map of the bush track on the other side of the road. I'm going to see for myself what it looks like. It sounds beautiful. I thank God that I live in such a beautiful place, I never ever thought I would. I praised a single tree when I lived in Doonside but out here I have bush that is more rainforest to enjoy. I must remember to be thankful for that and all the other small mercies in my life.
My shadow's birthday is the same day as Jason's. hehe That's kind of funny to me... we had her party this afternoon. She told four different boys that she'd choose them as her 'special' friend to sit at the birthday table with her and when it came to the decision all four boys were clawing for the honour of sitting with her. lololol :P Rebecca and I laughed at the situation she put herself in and allowed two boys to sit with her and placated the others.... I'm kind of proud of her. :P But also unimpressed.
In other news. I'm still alive. I survived today. I hope I survive tomorrow. I watch my life unfold and it's a crazy animal. I sit back and I'm reaching a point where I don't know where my future lies. I took a leap of faith and deferred Uni, hoping God would work out the details if it was really his will and he reallyreally did. Now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to move forward again.
Sia - Soon We'll Be Found
Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found
