Ordinary People / Scattered

Who am I? Deep breath in. I used to be idealistic. I used to revel in nature and believe in the almighty power of beauty and truth. For a season, I lived deeply in this belief. Who was I then? Can I recapture her? I liked her a lot. She had wings on her feet and had a tiny smile for whatever came her way. I was once called a butterfly by a lover, because I wouldn't sit still... I kept chasing after this idea of beauty and seeking some sort of perfect communion with it all. He didn't see what I saw, what I thought my next boyfriend saw. In high school you can be idealistic but gradually life beats it out of you.

Who am I now? Broken down, battered. I watch old friends slowly meet the same fate as me. We were young and hopeful. We loved or hoped for love and thought it would be beautiful, meaningful, special. We made plans for our careers and dreamed of changing the world. We thought our little fears would slowly slip away as we grew up into 'adults' and somehow we'd find ourselves at that place where everything is in place and we were happy. Life is untidy though. Plans don't work out. People let you down. Love isn't the big solution you imagined it would be and you see really you're just faced with hard work and difficult decisions and those little fears grow instead of shrink with time.

Still. You don't really lose the hope that things will be good, if only you just hold on and maybe turn a few corners. When I get that new job, new house, new friends, new relationship... things will be better then. What made me think life was beautiful and golden all those years back? How do you get back to that point?

I want to create something beautiful to somehow recreate that which I am longing for. But I fail too often and get discouraged. I read something at work yesterday about the power of being optimistic... something along the lines of what I talked about in my previous post. You know, self-belief makes positive change so much easier - even possible. I don't believe in the power of goodness, beauty, love, and truth to overcome as much anymore. I'm occupied with the hard work of living. Loving is such a difficult thing to add to the already difficult job ahead, but it's the only way to that which I most desire.


I'm filled with bitter laughter. Is this really where I am? Br Ned said I was in a cocoon once. An interesting twist on the butterfly metaphor. He said I wasn't really living as a Christian. He said that when you see a true Christian they seem like a butterfly; the glimpse you have of them delights the eye and lifts your spirits. I lived in this perpetually 'not good enough' environment, where the standard expected was very high. I can't say I completely accepted this as my own because compared to when I was on my own, I clung onto hope and beauty and searched for meaning in it all a lot more. Now I have meaning in abundance, through God, but I've just lost the joy for it all. Where once I strived for purpose, I run from the expectations placed on me. I know I shouldn't run... but this new meaning is both a heavy burden and a joy. Plus I was told it was a heavy burden because I hadn't fully surrendered myself. It's a hard thing to face. Perhaps other people can do this with more success than me... but I guess I didn't find my way. I still believe in God but the passion I had once for more mundane things in the past makes pale my current devotion to God. It shouldn't be that way.

So now as I grow older and can see that I can't follow other's paths but have to make my own decisions of where to go and what to believe/embrace if I'm going to live with them long-term. I once found my completion in God. I think I can get back there. I want to gather up the good and beautiful things to myself again and push out the jaded, bitter, fearfulness that I have inside me. There are two songs which I am listening to at the moment that I love. One is by John Legend - Ordinary People and the other is by a friend (really, friend of a friend).



John Legend - Ordinary People





Lissa - Scattered



I know I'm not supposed to say so much. It's one of my failings - putting so much out there. It makes people uncomfortable... but this is where my thoughts reside. I need to write these things out sometimes. I've done this for years online. I'm far from perfect and don't always think or believe the right things... but what can you do? To pretend to be someone else would be worse.

So I'm at home with my music and a heater and maybe I'll start organising things for the move in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have a lot of space in my new place. I wonder what I'll make my place look like. Tom and I have watched a few movies lately that have given me ideas and I watched (500) Days of Summer with Kat and I loved her apartment. I want to capture something of the magic of the Fool's room in the tower. I want it to be more than a home, but a sanctuary and reflection of who I am.


Later,

Cathrine