Darjeeling Tea - 90-Mile Water Wall

Darjeeling tea is so satisfying. I try to distract myself with nice things, but I think the hurt keeps coming in - back door, sneaking in the side. When I'm like this, disjointed and sad and broken down, I imagine that's when the poetry inside me leaps to life. Who knows, it's been so long. I wrote pages and pages in my diary yesterday, thoughts, not prose. I thought the words died in me a long time ago though. Who can conjour them back again? Get enough stress and pain together though and maybe you'll be able to create enough emotion for some poetic catharsis. It's not worth it, but at least there's something to show for it.

I once painted and that does a little for me... I'm going for more simple forms of coping now - crying. Though I went out last night, despite massive protests from my emotions, and had a really nice night. Who can explain that one? I'll go for a run this morning too, despite protestation, and will enjoy the beauty of the bush around me totally - unhindered by my emotional state. I wish I could sit down though and not feel this way. Every spare second being consumed in tears.


I like this song; the violin is pretty.


The National - 90-Mile Water Wall




so how could your hair
have the nerve to dance around like that, blowing
and how could the air
have the nerve to blow your hair around like that




It's all just here. Why am I so broken down in spirit? It makes me think of a psalm... (43)



Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.



Put your hope in God. There really is no other sure foundation in this world... somehow God doesn't depend on man either, doesn't depend on us, has done it all. He even helps us to stand, so we can see him face to face one day. Why indeed so disturbed and downcast? I will put my hope in God... They say when you're at your lowest, your need of God becomes greater and your closeness with him grows. I guess that's what I have to look forward to in these months ahead. If nothing else comes from this, that will be the single redeeming factor in all that I'm going through.

Best go for my run and then get back and do some work on these reports. Kat showed me a map of the bush track on the other side of the road. I'm going to see for myself what it looks like. It sounds beautiful. I thank God that I live in such a beautiful place, I never ever thought I would. I praised a single tree when I lived in Doonside but out here I have bush that is more rainforest to enjoy. I must remember to be thankful for that and all the other small mercies in my life.

Can't give up yet...

Cathrine