Twenty-three, working full time in child care for KU, living in Sydney's North West and feeling right at home.
Born in November; Raised on her dad's record player and a CD player that she won at 11 through a [Retravision] colouring in competition. Loves: cellos, electric guitars, and pianos. Admires: Chopin, Paul Dempsey, Camille, Ella Fitzgerald, Regina Spektor, Edith Piaf, The Lucksmiths, Led Zeppelin, and Woody Herman.
I sing all the time. Music is my language... I'm always looking to expand my vocabulary. This blog is an outlet for my musical chatter.
It's my last night here in Roseville. Tomorrow I move! I have been packing steadily all day and I still have some odds and ends to sort out. I won't have the internet for a while, until it's set up in my new place which could be a week from now or two weeks depending on how busy they are. So I will be away from my blog a little.
I'm going to make my moving house mix cd tonight, ready for my new place. :) But I'll leave you with this song - not because I like Coldplay or even this song as such, but because the video clip is incredible! :) But gah, I can't embed it... so click the link and watch for yourself. :)
I've had this song in my head for the last few days. I'm not enitrely sure why it echoes within me... I looked up the lyrics just then and at the end, where it says the Earth will write the eulogy, I heard "the Lord". Anyway. It's typical S&G, poetry to music.
Simon and Garfunkel - Sparrow
Who will love a little Sparrow? Who's traveled far and cries for rest? "Not I," said the Oak Tree, "I won't share my branches with no sparrow's nest, And my blanket of leaves won't warm her cold breast."
Who will love a little Sparrow And who will speak a kindly word? "Not I," said the Swan, "The entire idea is utterly absurd, I'd be laughed at and scorned if the other Swans heard."
Who will take pity in his heart, And who will feed a starving sparrow? "Not I," said the Golden Wheat, "I would if I could but I cannot I know, I need all my grain to prosper and grow."
Who will love a little Sparrow? Will no one write her eulogy? "I will," said the Earth, "For all I've created returns unto me, From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be."
So I have tomorrow off to rest. I'm coming down with the flu. I move house on Saturday and I really don't want to be too sick to do that. I'm excited to have this change finally come about after so much looking and waiting.
I am in love. Love, love, love Beirut! I love this video clip and song so much. The instruments.... I'm speechless, the man's drums are bins. Look at the graffiti art? Swooon! So love this guy's voice, it's precise and the right amount of crazy/quirky. haha So I'm glad eMusic has this album for download because of love. :)
It's worth it. I remember the goodness. I remember the peace. I am walking through fire right now, or so it feels. Why do I make this into such a big thing? It seems like no one else is mentioning it's significance, but I'm no longer working with Br Ned and no longer attending St John's. C'est tout fini. I know there is life beyond this, Christian life beyond Br Ned, but I feel subdued and worried. Should I? I know they all would say, yes and very much so. Ah dear. I got a painful email Thursday and reflecting on it makes me glad to be moving on, but it doesn't take away the pain that goes with losing something that was once precious.
Anyway, instead of going out with Aisha as planned today, I'm home. It's okay... I'm going to pack for my move next weekend and maybe use this beautiful weather for laundry. I 'found' the bonus disk on Something For Kate's Desert Lights. I like it. It has Born To Run on it as well as this song:
Something For Kate - Hawaiian Robots
Paul's music is often the food my aching heart needs. But "I'm better of as a robot"? lol Who knows. I like the quirkiness... and the veracity. Oh man, I get tired of being so emotional sometimes. I would be so much happier if this was an easier, more natural transition.
1) The night air 2) The warmth of my ugg boots 3) Tom 4) The way music lifts my spirits 5) The reminders I get to rely on God
Life doesn't always go to plan. I'm going to have to learn to cope with that better, since there are other people in the world and life doesn't revolve around me. I saw such a beautiful rainbow while driving this evening. My driving instructor is awesome, he's willing to follow me to Epping when I move. How very very lucky. So counting my blessings:
1) I work within an awesome centre, with awesome children and staff 2) My kids are obsessed with insects and I have to take a lot of the pleasure/blame in that. One of the boys found a baby stick insect yesterday. Can you believe?? 3) Tom 4) I have plans to go to Melbourne in November with my best friend 5) I'm going to the Philippines at the end of the year with mum 6) I'll be moving to Epping to be close to Tom and my new church 7) I'm feeling at home in my new church 8) I have an awesome driving instructor and I'll be getting my license soon? 9) I have a beautiful (almost) new car that mum bought me to drive once I do 10) I am a child of God despite my sinful nature
Post-chat with Aisha, I can add:
1) I'm moving to Epping in 9 days 2) I'm going to ask for house plants as house warming gifts. :) 3) I'm going parasailing with Aisha on Saturday! 4) I get to see Tom a lot this week (haha, you guys are a unit! - reminding me how awesome each of you are by complimenting the other) 5) Aisha
Lucky me. :)
Cathrine
PS: Does this list-style of writing make me a little like Cash, Tom? <3
I forget. I forget. I'm tired. I don't want to cry or give up. I want to be better. I want to run towards being better, rather than hide from being not good enough. I feel like Something For Kate's music...
Something For Kate - Pinstripe
There is no need to throw your arms around And there is no need to ask unless there is some doubt If you are comfortable with two feet on the ground Then you don't need wings now, you don't need wings now
Have you set down your course or are you out of control my dear Or are you accidentally part of some involuntary movement, here We thought we knew it so well we could do it with our arms tied behind our backs and our eyes shut tight I thought i knew it so well i could stop, so i stopped, and i can't, can't start again
Stand under the hole in your roof and let the rain come in and fall down on your head 'cause it's a simple joy, you can bring upon yourself 'cause it's a simple something new, something else
Trees stand in a perfect line, trees stand at attention Not much time has passed, but already she likes concrete better than grass, and i don't think we'll last
So i, stare up at the sky and it hurts my eyes Maybe i'll go blind Maybe all i'll see is, all i'll see is sunshine, sunshine, sunshine
I'm not trying to sound, i'm just trying to sound I don't want to sound like this, sound like this, sound like this
You're the last day of April every year ahh, your grey, feeling for something, anything you can't have oversight, ode you the road, pulled by a current, tossed over in the wind you focus your sights and try,
Try to stare up at the sky Does it hurt your eyes? Maybe you'll go blind Or maybe all you'll see is, all you'll see is, sunshine, sunshine Walk in a straight line Yu waste energy in the daytime and i know exactly what i'm doing, doing, sometimes
I went out Saturday night to Castle Hill RSL and it's a nice place but still had your typical guy on the piano singing bad covers. I was meh about it until he played this song. It makes me want to dance. lol I love the introduction.
So so... I watched half of Ray yesterday with Tom. I nearly died when they had Art Tatum playing in the background of one of the scenes. I mean.... COME ON! Casually listening to Art like that? I would have loved to have been able to listen to his music live. Jazzzzzzzz.......
I'm so glad to be alive right now. The weather is beautiful outside and I just washed my car in the sunshine. I went out last night with Tom to see The Middle East at Manning Bar and slept over afterwards. In the morning I got to wake him up, have breakfast with him and fail at getting the last word in the crossword. I love those morning times with him. I'll gush. I could spend every morning content just eating cereal next to him while he does the crossword and I read the paper. I like those little jolts you get when you look up and are reminded he's there, like the rise and fall of a rollercoaster that my emotions ride. You can't always be rushing down-hill in love... but I love the little dips during the day when it all comes back to you in a rush that you are so very lucky.
Tom and I saw The Middle East. He has a mate in the band. They have two tracks that you can listen to on their myspace. They were so enchanting live. I felt enveloped in sound and was brought to tears by the perfection of one song in particular. The mixture of voices harmonised in such a way that they had this yearning kind of quality. I couldn't pin it down, it pulled at me and yet it was exactly where it should be. Their music too was delicate and yet firmly held together. I sensed strong musicianship driving their music, layers of sounds seemed carefully considered for the impact they had on the overall tone colour.
Haha.. I am still wrapped in my bliss-state. When they played 'Blood', the crowd seemed to also echo back the main melody and as it ramped up it was powerful to be standing in the middle of it. I love music that moves me. I bought their EP afterwards. I'd be very keen to buy an album when they put one out.
:)
I'm also excited to buy Nouvelle Vague's new album. Once I buy it, I'll write about it too you can bet on that.
The interwebs provides us with so much awesome. This is maybe the new breed of music it inspires - musicians that play ukelele and sing cute lyrics about the internet. If this is all there is, please kill me now, but I think maybe small doses of this won't be lethal...
Also, it's cute factor was enough to tip the scales in my decision to finally add Thomas in my Facebook profile status. So I'm now publically in a relationship with my man. It's sad but fantastic.
The first time I heard this cover, I did not like it. I thought Tegan and Sara were lame. :P So now, after almost 7 months of dating Tom... I think I'm coming around. We listen to so much of each other's music and you know, I think I like their cover of Springsteen's Dancing In The Dark. I didn't realise it was a Springsteen song until today though. And only this afternoon I was listening to Born To Run (just before I got to Tom's place!). It seems this day was brought to you by Sprinsteen. <3
Tegan and Sara - Dancing in the Dark
So you know Tom, we could totally do this as a duet. :D I remember this song from when I was growing up, listening to 2WS. It makes me happy. :D
Some days the world is calm and quiet. Today is such a day. I woke up at 11am because of daylight savings putting our clocks forward an hour. 10am would have been really late for me, but 11am? Madness. The roads outside are quiet because it's a long weekend. I remember the long weekend and Christmas time in the city... it was so eerie to be able to walk across Parramatta Road without having to wait for the green man during the middle of the day and normal peek hour times.
I'm going to relax today... Hope everyone's enjoying their long weekend.
Sia - I Go To Sleep
When I look up from my pillow I dream you are there with me Though you are far away I know you'll always be near to me
I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me
I look around me And feel you are ever so close to me Each tear that flows from my eye Brings back memories of you to me
I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me
I was wrong, I will cry I will love you till the day I die You were all, you alone and no one else You were meant for me
When morning comes again I have the loneliness you left me Each day drags by Until finally my time descends on me
I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me I go to sleep And imagine that you're there with me
So I was listening to this song while walking to my new place and it's appropriately titled. Tom and I were joking in the morning about how he'd be invited to Mensa for being a genius... and when I move, I'll be living a lot closer to him. Not quite next door, but a 5 min drive away.
It's funny. This track is off her new album "Far" but I've known the song for ages. I had a demo version of it back when I kept non-purchased music on my computer. I like the song very much. Enjoy...
Regina Spektor - Genius Next Door
Some said the local lake had been enchanted Others said it must have been the weather The neighbours were trying to keep it quiet But I swear that I could hear the laughter So they jokingly nicknamed it the porridge 'Cause overnight that lake had turned as thick as butter But the local kids would still go swimming Drinking Saying that to them it doesn't matter
If you just hold in your breath 'Til you come back up in full Hold in your breath 'Til you thought it through You fool
The genius next door was busing tables Wiping clean the ketchup bottle labels Getting high and mumbling German fables Didn't care as long as he was able To strip his clothes off by the dumpsters At night while everyone was sleeping And wade midway into that porridge Just him and the secret he was keeping
If you just hold in your breath 'Til you come back up in full Hold in your breath 'Til you thought it through You foolish child
Oh Oh
In the morning, the film crews start arriving With donuts, coffee, and reporters The kids were waking up hungover The neighbours were starting up their cars The garbage men were emptying the dumpsters Atheists were praying full of sarcasm And the genius next door was sleeping Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm
If you just hold in your breath 'Til you come back up in full Hold in your breath 'Til you thought it through You foolish child
Who am I? Deep breath in. I used to be idealistic. I used to revel in nature and believe in the almighty power of beauty and truth. For a season, I lived deeply in this belief. Who was I then? Can I recapture her? I liked her a lot. She had wings on her feet and had a tiny smile for whatever came her way. I was once called a butterfly by a lover, because I wouldn't sit still... I kept chasing after this idea of beauty and seeking some sort of perfect communion with it all. He didn't see what I saw, what I thought my next boyfriend saw. In high school you can be idealistic but gradually life beats it out of you.
Who am I now? Broken down, battered. I watch old friends slowly meet the same fate as me. We were young and hopeful. We loved or hoped for love and thought it would be beautiful, meaningful, special. We made plans for our careers and dreamed of changing the world. We thought our little fears would slowly slip away as we grew up into 'adults' and somehow we'd find ourselves at that place where everything is in place and we were happy. Life is untidy though. Plans don't work out. People let you down. Love isn't the big solution you imagined it would be and you see really you're just faced with hard work and difficult decisions and those little fears grow instead of shrink with time.
Still. You don't really lose the hope that things will be good, if only you just hold on and maybe turn a few corners. When I get that new job, new house, new friends, new relationship... things will be better then. What made me think life was beautiful and golden all those years back? How do you get back to that point?
I want to create something beautiful to somehow recreate that which I am longing for. But I fail too often and get discouraged. I read something at work yesterday about the power of being optimistic... something along the lines of what I talked about in my previous post. You know, self-belief makes positive change so much easier - even possible. I don't believe in the power of goodness, beauty, love, and truth to overcome as much anymore. I'm occupied with the hard work of living. Loving is such a difficult thing to add to the already difficult job ahead, but it's the only way to that which I most desire.
I'm filled with bitter laughter. Is this really where I am? Br Ned said I was in a cocoon once. An interesting twist on the butterfly metaphor. He said I wasn't really living as a Christian. He said that when you see a true Christian they seem like a butterfly; the glimpse you have of them delights the eye and lifts your spirits. I lived in this perpetually 'not good enough' environment, where the standard expected was very high. I can't say I completely accepted this as my own because compared to when I was on my own, I clung onto hope and beauty and searched for meaning in it all a lot more. Now I have meaning in abundance, through God, but I've just lost the joy for it all. Where once I strived for purpose, I run from the expectations placed on me. I know I shouldn't run... but this new meaning is both a heavy burden and a joy. Plus I was told it was a heavy burden because I hadn't fully surrendered myself. It's a hard thing to face. Perhaps other people can do this with more success than me... but I guess I didn't find my way. I still believe in God but the passion I had once for more mundane things in the past makes pale my current devotion to God. It shouldn't be that way.
So now as I grow older and can see that I can't follow other's paths but have to make my own decisions of where to go and what to believe/embrace if I'm going to live with them long-term. I once found my completion in God. I think I can get back there. I want to gather up the good and beautiful things to myself again and push out the jaded, bitter, fearfulness that I have inside me. There are two songs which I am listening to at the moment that I love. One is by John Legend - Ordinary People and the other is by a friend (really, friend of a friend).
I know I'm not supposed to say so much. It's one of my failings - putting so much out there. It makes people uncomfortable... but this is where my thoughts reside. I need to write these things out sometimes. I've done this for years online. I'm far from perfect and don't always think or believe the right things... but what can you do? To pretend to be someone else would be worse.
So I'm at home with my music and a heater and maybe I'll start organising things for the move in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have a lot of space in my new place. I wonder what I'll make my place look like. Tom and I have watched a few movies lately that have given me ideas and I watched (500) Days of Summer with Kat and I loved her apartment. I want to capture something of the magic of the Fool's room in the tower. I want it to be more than a home, but a sanctuary and reflection of who I am.
I realised tonight that I haven't used my eMusic credits yet. I just downloaded a couple of Darren Hanlon tracks so now I'm getting some Sneaker Pimps. I was so into them in high school. They were the perfect kind of upbeat dreariness, dark vs light, melancholy poet. :P
Sneaker Pimps - Curl
Anyway. Life is still kicking along. Signed the lease for my new place yesterday and I'm going to open the place up on Saturday and do a full inspection. I'll give my report in to the real estate agent afterwards on the condition of the place. I won't be moving in till later in October though. Driving lessons are going awesomely well. :) My instructor is very, very good at his job. He makes me, the most self-depreciating person, feel as if she's capable and will one day be an awesome driver. I'm not an awesome anything! But with this guy, I am on my way to being an awesome driver. It's exciting. It makes me wonder what else I could be, you know? Self-belief accounts for a lot, so it seems.
It was my boy's birthday on Monday but I got to see him yesterday. We watched Fight Club and it blew my mind. Such an incredible movie... It was nothing of what I was expecting. I expected mindless violence but it was a mind-trip. I like movies that make you see your world differently because of it. The movie confronts your reason for living. It looks at consumerism and the aimless wandering people get into because the marketing spin fed to them is unrealistic and mostly unattainable. It creates disillusionment, resentment, bitterness and defeatism. I think there is some validity to the issues raised in the movie but I drew the line somewhere further back and the movie went too far. It turned finding meaning in life into chasing death. In the end you need something to live for, something to belief in and rely upon. The movie showed me the unreliablity of people though. I think I walk around with a subconscious fear of abandonment and it takes the smallest things to bring it out. I wonder a lot of the time what it'd be like to live without that fear. I envy those who have families where people care for each other unconditionally. Anyway. So it was an awesome movie and I recommend it highly. I'm just one crazy girl though... so the stuff I took away from it are definately affected by my crazy. :P
I'm trying to see life as something I control... haha like driving a car. I know God has created the roads and the rules, but I still have to steer and change gears and do all the hard work. I sometimes forget that I'm responsible for all that and then I wonder why I crash. Seeing life with a sense of ability and control is quite empowering as well as scary, but I'm less scared and more excited. I want to know where life will take me and if I have some say in it, it might actually go the places where I want it to.
